So I am not sure what this will look like. What I want this
to be or what I have planned (that’s a lie. I kind of know some of that). But
here is where I am right now. I’m in this weird spot in life where I feel like
it’s really hard to find people in the big world wide web where people are
genuine. Or maybe everyone is genuine and I doubt everyone’s intentions (a very
real possibility, but I am skeptical and doubt that). I've been extremely fortunate to have found friendships in the past year - which is saying a lot. Did you know it's hard to find people who are awesome when you are 30??
I find myself not really identifying with the quintessential
mommy bloggers because while I love my girls, I also am not a stay at home mom.
Nor do I honestly want to spend every waking moment with them. I can’t get them
to wear the cute clothes that all the cool blogger kids wear. I think those
clothes are cute. But I also can’t justify spending so much money on clothes
that they either won’t wear or they will outgrow in a few months or they will
ruin because they are kids and they are living. Note: I have all the heart eye
emoji’s over some of these clothes. But I think I’m far too attached to my
money and being real for that being a possibility for our life right now.
I find myself not identifying with the fashion bloggers
either. Why? Well, where to begin. 1. I’m not super thin/thin/even remotely fit
at the moment. I know. This doesn’t matter. There are beautiful fashion
bloggers in all shapes and sizes. (Profresh is kind of my kindred spirit.) I KNOW this
fact. But hear me out on this. I used to be overweight. For most of my life
actually. And only in the last 8/9 years has that changed. And yes – that may
seem like a long time and I should probably be over my self-esteem issues. But
I’m just not. I hate pretty much any picture taken of me and I can be overheard
having conversations on an almost daily basis on how much I hate certain
aspects of my body or feel like a fat ass. Like super cute and expensive kids
clothing – this too is just a part of my life right now. Plus, I don’t work in
an office, I don’t need clothes to lay around on the floor with kids, I don’t
particularly share the same fashion sense or have the same style as a majority
of the blogs I have seen in this area. Which let’s be honest. When you are
looking for a blog of any kind, you want to be able to relate. Something I just haven't found.
And music. I don't read music blogs. I just listen to all the music. So um. No excuses here.
So. Here we are. I don’t expect people to see this or care.
I don’t have a huge social media presence (isn’t it funny that this is even a
concern in today’s society? “ Can I reach people if right now I only have 60
followers on Instagram and I’m pretty sure 1/10th of them are trying
to sell me body wraps??”), I have some seriously weird self-esteem issues and I
feel like I don’t fit into any molds. But I know I’m not the only one. I know I
can’t be the only person who has a deep deep love and passion for music, but
can’t actually play a note. A person who is genuinely in love with fashion and
clothing and styling and a not single size digit figure. Or maybe I am. But I
refuse to believe that right now. But that's ok if I'm completely wrong with everything.
Life is going to be changing for me in some wildly crazy and
exciting ways over the next year or so (#nobabies). I need to have my creative
outlets back and be able to feel like me even when I don’t or can’t. This past
year has been intense and I lost myself for a bit (#vague). But I’m slowly
getting me back. Settling into life and making my happiness and me and what I
love a priority. No matter what fears, comparisons to others I may make (am I/can
I/will I be good enough? Who cares.). So I’m going to start being me. I’m going
to take bad pictures. I’m not going to learn Photoshop, and I’m probably going
to make a fool out of myself.
Welcome to this wild and crazy ride (but not like a
roller coaster wild and crazy. I’m terrified of heights and get motion sickness
sitting the passenger seat of the car. So just normal wild and crazy).
Oh – and the name? Part of a bigger project in ‘project me’.
But it’s a tiny, not over the top homage for the people who I love and drive me crazy. There's something suuuuuper fancy coming for that little name soon.
-H
No comments:
Post a Comment