Intentions

Well let's get back in this game shall we. Blogs may be overdone, I may not feel like I have time, I may have nothing of value or interest. But I'm going to write and document and know that I have a space.

Life is crazy and hectic and wonderful and sometimes ugly. Is it possible that blogging isn't over and done with, but maybe so few spaces feel genuine anymore? I want a space that feels like me. A space that I know that my intentions are good. A space that encourages, but is real.

So here we go again.

Will it ever be good enough?

So many words ahead. You've been warned. But they're good ones - I promise! 
(if you don't want to read, the juiciest information is that I opened an eBay store)

I've mentioned in one or both of my previous posts that I tend to geek out when it comes to business. I also do this with music and fashion and clothes. I guess to jump around and sound like a crazy person I should give a background story.

I was overweight almost my entire period growing up and my very early 20's. I won't get into all the nitty gritty details, but I think it's safe to say that I went through a period in my teenage years where I really didn't like myself and I wore track pants, my dad's t-shirts, and ADIDAS sandals because it was comfortable and covered me and I could keep gaining weight and they accommodated (side note: in my defense, this was kind of the style back then). But while I was wearing my track pants and dad's clothes, I was watching. I was watching People magazine and Entertainment Tonight and Current Affairs (we're talking 1997. bear with me). I was watching what people were wearing and what was fashionable and in style. That love continued into college where so did the weight gain. I just kept admiring from affair and left college to work at a job that accommodated what I did wear - jeans and t-shirts. Every.Single.Day.
Around this time I got engaged and decided that I never thought I would get married first, so I was going to make damn sure that I looked good on the wedding day I thought I would never have. And I did. I lost a lot of weight in an unhealthy manner. But I never felt comfortable and despite losing 50 pounds, I still felt like I looked like that girl in high school that felt like she would never be thin or good enough. I've battled those feelings for years now and they are still things I struggle with on a daily basis.
What will this blog be? 
Will it be successful? 
Will this first phase of this new venture be successful or will I quit when I find it's hard and the reward isn't immediate?
These are the types of questions that are constantly running through my mind. But I'm very much faking it 'til I make it. I'm finally in a place where I'm being healthy because I want to and I like the way it makes me feel. Where at almost 31 I am finding my style and that it's ok if isn't like anyone else. And that leads me to my next big adventure.

So here is where I make the very public declaration that I have started the first phase of what I hope to grow into something. I've launched an eBay store. At the moment it is a literal closet dump. I kept a few shirts, sweaters, and coats, but everything else is being listed in the store. The very first infant phase is this - getting rid of the old to make way for the new and fun. And I don't just mean clothes. I'm taking a lesson from the company I work for and I'm going to take the stuff that no one wants to weed through and make it something people want.
So phase 1 will be finding the good things from the vintage and thrift stores and bringing them to the shop.
Phase 2, well phase 2 and beyond I'm still working on. But I do know that what I would love to do is help people who are having trouble defining their personal style (for whatever reason).  I've struggled for so long with not knowing what my style is because I didn't think I was good enough or looked good enough to have style. And now I just don't care and I know I feel better when I like what I am wearing. And I want other people to feel better too. So there we go. I've put my dreams and goals and a whole lot of information no one wants to know out there. You've got to put it out there and be vulnerable to get it back right?

Listen Up

Anyone that has had any sort of a conversation with me can tell you, I will completely geek out when it comes to two topics: music and business. I just feel all the feelings when it comes to music.

I'm not ready to delve into the business part just yet, but something I wanted to do on here is post about whatever music I've been listening to each week. It may or may not be new, but it will definitely be stuff that makes me happy. I've always been the type of person where my clothes and music match whatever is going on in my life (and/or the weather for some weird reason). So hopefully I will introduce you to some new/old music. Or you can tell me what horrible taste I have in music (and if you do this, you better tell me what you are listening to so I can be enlightened). I'm good with either.

Chanel West Coast / Dead Sara / Lapsley / Joy Wave

1. Chanel West Coast: I feel like this might require some explaining*. I saw a video on TMZ of this girl freaking out and name dropping Drake at Coachella. Then I remembered she was also the girl from the Rob Dyrdek show that was a guilty pleasure of mine a while ago. Then I heard the song 'Alcoholic' and lost it.

Lyric choice: And I can't even call it, every time I drink, I drink like an alcoholic 

Last week was one of those weeks where I could relate.

*Just a heads up. I have a deep love for rap. The dirtier and more curse words better. Also, the older the better I find.

2. Dead Sara: I am heading out to LA in a few months for a mini solo vacation and was looking around for shows to see while I am out there. I stumbled across this band and I kind of love it. Sometimes you should need music that makes you lose it.

Lyric Choice: You see it, You want it, You love it, You got it, Nothing can take you from all that was ruined, Anything now, Anything you feel 

3. Lapsley: This came up on some random playlist on Spotify, but I'm digging it. Also just learned she's 17. I was reading Hanson message boards when I was 17. So obviously she's winning the 17 game right now.

Lyric Choice: Because you took something away from yourself, Come back to this route and take your heart to higher self 

4. JoyWave: This one is new and I loooooooove this album. It's just poppy and fun and a contrast to everything else I've been listening to lately. I just - every song on this album. So good. Check this one out if you don't listen to anything else.

Lyric Choice: The say I'm the only one, who can be brave, That I am the chosen one, but there is no way, That I am the only one, and there's no one to save, If there's nowhere for them to run.

*Also a serious let down to get into someone, find out they are coming to your town, and the show is already sold out.

-H

Not roller coaster crazy

So I am not sure what this will look like. What I want this to be or what I have planned (that’s a lie. I kind of know some of that). But here is where I am right now. I’m in this weird spot in life where I feel like it’s really hard to find people in the big world wide web where people are genuine. Or maybe everyone is genuine and I doubt everyone’s intentions (a very real possibility, but I am skeptical and doubt that). I've been extremely fortunate to have found friendships in the past year - which is saying a lot. Did you know it's hard to find people who are awesome when you are 30??

I find myself not really identifying with the quintessential mommy bloggers because while I love my girls, I also am not a stay at home mom. Nor do I honestly want to spend every waking moment with them. I can’t get them to wear the cute clothes that all the cool blogger kids wear. I think those clothes are cute. But I also can’t justify spending so much money on clothes that they either won’t wear or they will outgrow in a few months or they will ruin because they are kids and they are living. Note: I have all the heart eye emoji’s over some of these clothes. But I think I’m far too attached to my money and being real for that being a possibility for our life right now.

I find myself not identifying with the fashion bloggers either. Why? Well, where to begin. 1. I’m not super thin/thin/even remotely fit at the moment. I know. This doesn’t matter. There are beautiful fashion bloggers in all shapes and sizes. (Profresh is kind of my kindred spirit.) I KNOW this fact. But hear me out on this. I used to be overweight. For most of my life actually. And only in the last 8/9 years has that changed. And yes – that may seem like a long time and I should probably be over my self-esteem issues. But I’m just not. I hate pretty much any picture taken of me and I can be overheard having conversations on an almost daily basis on how much I hate certain aspects of my body or feel like a fat ass. Like super cute and expensive kids clothing – this too is just a part of my life right now. Plus, I don’t work in an office, I don’t need clothes to lay around on the floor with kids, I don’t particularly share the same fashion sense or have the same style as a majority of the blogs I have seen in this area. Which let’s be honest. When you are looking for a blog of any kind, you want to be able to relate. Something I just haven't found.

And music. I don't read music blogs. I just listen to all the music. So um. No excuses here.

So. Here we are. I don’t expect people to see this or care. I don’t have a huge social media presence (isn’t it funny that this is even a concern in today’s society? “ Can I reach people if right now I only have 60 followers on Instagram and I’m pretty sure 1/10^th of them are trying to sell me body wraps??”), I have some seriously weird self-esteem issues and I feel like I don’t fit into any molds. But I know I’m not the only one. I know I can’t be the only person who has a deep deep love and passion for music, but can’t actually play a note. A person who is genuinely in love with fashion and clothing and styling and a not single size digit figure. Or maybe I am. But I refuse to believe that right now. But that's ok if I'm completely wrong with everything.

Life is going to be changing for me in some wildly crazy and exciting ways over the next year or so (#nobabies). I need to have my creative outlets back and be able to feel like me even when I don’t or can’t. This past year has been intense and I lost myself for a bit (#vague). But I’m slowly getting me back. Settling into life and making my happiness and me and what I love a priority. No matter what fears, comparisons to others I may make (am I/can I/will I be good enough? Who cares.). So I’m going to start being me. I’m going to take bad pictures. I’m not going to learn Photoshop, and I’m probably going to make a fool out of myself.

Welcome to this wild and crazy ride (but not like a roller coaster wild and crazy. I’m terrified of heights and get motion sickness sitting the passenger seat of the car. So just normal wild and crazy).

Oh – and the name? Part of a bigger project in ‘project me’. But it’s a tiny, not over the top homage for the people who I love and drive me crazy. There's something suuuuuper fancy coming for that little name soon.

-H